It is difficult to explain what the suffering of love and more generally love is, but it is easier to say what love is not, that is, when love is sick.
Every sentimental relationship is unique and is also obscure, because it arises from the interior, which is made up of an entire gallery of unconscious ghosts in dialogue with each other. In the unconscious, there are internal images that activate the eros of both protagonists of the couple.
So, let’s start by saying that erotic forces embody a deep desire for self-knowledge, which, however, always occurs in the confrontation with the other, a confrontation full of opportunities but also of gray areas and dangers that push us to love. even where we sense the object of our elusive inaccessible feeling. In this case, some people insist on chasing the other, who embodies a utopia and appears seductive because it represents the strength of a promise, which at least initially makes the victim feel omnipotent, makes him feel grandiose and heroic, that is, capable of eat the whole world, giving the illusion of being able to achieve every aspiration.
Now, however, we must distinguish healthy love from sick love, healthy love designates a circular space between me and the other, it is a kind of dance with an unusual rhythm, the rhythm of approaching, of moving away, of presence, of absence, which is also the rhythm of meaning and of the distortion of every meaning, in the face of the unknown that the other person embodies.
The difference between healthy love and sick love is almost invisible, as sick love does violence, it is violent for the psyche. Sick love corrodes self-esteem, diminishes, impoverishes the relationship itself. Because he lives and feeds on the need to want to possess the other, without realizing that this is a paradox, as the narcissistic desire to possess the object of love arises precisely from being possessed by this need.
So it is paradoxical to be possessed by an unconscious complex of this type.
Then we cross over into sick love and consequently regress to a childlike style of relationship with the other, that is, we are dependent.
When this process is reversible, then we still move in a rather normal environment but when regression escapes the control of the ego and becomes destructuring, it becomes fragmentation of the ego and is no longer a reversible process; therefore we get sick and fall into a deadly addiction.
You see, we in general are moved by the desire to be wanted by others, because we need to live, to be recognized and appreciated. We ask the other to see us as unique, different, more than what we believe we are and in fact, in love relationships the other evokes a new being in us, the other does not offer his attention, in healthy relationships, he does not want to possess us but offers himself to us and brings out a new being from us. The other releases something new in us attitude to life, so thanks to him, we are better than before and can therefore give more.
The trouble can come after this gift is withdrawn from us and we have not yet made it our own. We have not assimilated those qualities that have emerged in the relationship and in this case we get lost in that room, in the basement of our soul, and the whole story we have lived with that person is turned upside down because we are unable to withdraw our projections and we live in a deadly addiction that impoverishes us.
But in reality no love impoverishes, and even if it ends, it was important because it was necessary to bring out parts of ourselves that we would never contact, so healthy love allows an opening of the narcissistic shell, therefore it is not easy, to some extent, we must allow the other to alter our identity, letting ourselves be led metaphorically elsewhere, that is, into our unconscious.
Now, if in our unconscious there are old traumas or humiliating relationships, abuses, abuses, it is clear that this whole ghost world will be activated and will emerge strongly, arousing fears and resistances.
The narcissistic person who has been traumatized has deep wounds with him that do not lead to a healthy relationship, but he will tend to develop a relationship of power with the victim on duty and this modality will allow him to maintain his defensive barriers.
For example, sexual promiscuity is nothing more than an escape from the most intimate and profound relationship that is perceived as too destabilizing. Here then is that in this case, the regression that the seduced narcissist would experience would no longer be at the service of the ego and therefore has two paths in front of him or he gets sick or abandons the other and runs away.
The narcissist projects his greed for possession onto the victim, instead of recognizing it within himself, he sees it in the other, projects it into the other, and therefore sees the victim as a sort of persecutor who wants to possess him and therefore imprison him.
When the victim feels the lack of his executioner, then he has a yearning, sick desire, as he puts the value of the other before his own value. It is a subversion of the inner order, a distortion of one’s own identity. We feel lost in this condition, we are unrecognizable to ourselves, we are no longer us.
It is said that seduction is subversive because this type of sick seduction is placed on the side of evil, the other has the power to make us touch the bottom, it is diabolical, in front of him our dignity is canceled, but this is sick love, is deadly dependence, which does not increase as the victim’s regression is no longer the service of the ego and the victim is at the mercy of himself, abandoned, wounded, annihilated in his will, ensnared in a devouring phantasmatic passion , which affects the very perception of his dignity, this is a mortal charm, the charm of the abyss. In the Christian tradition, we have the example of Satan who seduces Eve, because the ancients had already understood everything in their own way, Satan manipulates Eve in an attempt to subdue her, deceives her to control her. In this situation, the plane of power dominates the plane of love and when this happens, we can speak, about sick love.