Narcissism and borderline are similar diagnosis so much that they can be confused but have important differences, in both cases, however, falling in love with a person with borderline or narcissistic traits, means living a very engaging relationship, capable of giving great emotions but also great suffering. These are very seductive people, they are magnetic, passionate people, especially in the initial stages of the relationship and they know how to arouse irresistible attraction to the partner but soon relationships become tormented and unstable.
But what do the borderline narcissist have in common?
Both destabilize and confuse their partners with contradictory, hardly understandable behavior. Those who fall in love with them continually receive a double message: I love you and I hate you, I love you but I don’t want a story, I want to be with you but I can’t, which makes it difficult to know what to expect and above all how to behave.
Both the borderline and the narcissist have an insecure attitude that prevents trust in the partner, with the tendency to read his behavior in a negative key, even seeing him with an enemy or as someone who is not sincere towards them, who therefore does not he loves but wants to take advantage of them.
Therefore, precisely because they do not trust, they are unable to accept that they need the other and never abandon themselves completely.
Another problem they have in common is the inability to form a stable and relatively objective concept of the partner, which is idealized and immediately afterwards devalued.
It is not uncommon to hear of your partner one day as the wonderful man you would like to marry and the next day as a monster you can run away from. This happens because both narcissistic and borderline think in black and white according to the law of all or nothing and it takes very little to go from stars to rags.
Both the borderline and the narcissus are very vulnerable, it takes nothing to hurt them and when they feel hurt they react by devaluing and attacking or closing themselves in an icy silence.
For them it is a problem because intimacy is able to awaken the childhood experiences of humiliation and abandonment. For this reason, they cannot stay close to someone for too long, but moments of warmth and moments of coldness alternate in the relationship. They get hot when their partner moves away and cool when they feel too close.
Unfortunately, these dynamics do not change over time, the relationship does not grow even after many years but remains fragile at risk of sudden breakdown.
Another aspect that unites the two disorders, is the tendency to manipulate therefore intolerance to criticism and the inability to have constructive discussions.
What a borderline wants from a relationship is very different from what the narcissist seeks.
Both were deeply injured in childhood, albeit in different ways. The wounds are deeper in the borderline, whose pathology is related to childhood experiences of abuse and mistreatment while the wounds are less evident in the narcissist who has been an idolized and spoiled but emotionally neglected child.
Both seek a reparative experience in love. In practice, the borderline seeks an absolute and total feeling, wants a symbiotic relationship with a person who loves him unconditionally and who, thanks to the power of love, can save him from his black holes and inner torments.
The problem is that when he finds someone who loves him madly, he can’t trust him and feels the need to test the strength of the relationship, to the point of destroying it. The borderline has a disorganized type of attachment that is, he is in desperate need of love but the more love he receives the less he is able to appreciate it. The narcissist, on the other hand, is not looking for love but someone who can soothe his deep insecurity that he hides behind a brilliant appearance, enhancing his image and strengthening his self-esteem.
It must be remembered that, in love, narcissists are guided by rationality and calculation rather than by the heart and are unlikely to commit to someone if the relationship does not bring them social advantages or economic, sexual or professional advantages or makes their life more comfortable. . If the partner does not meet the requirements in terms of their status or even physical requirements, they leave it.
To give an example, a narcissistic woman will not even look for a while at a man who does not have the desirable economic situation for how many human qualities he may have, vice versa he will tend to choose a socially affirmed partner even if perhaps there is not a great understanding.
The choice of the narcissist falls on socially desirable partners who have something out of the ordinary such as for example the man full of money with the big car or with friends or if it is a man he will choose the girl who looks like a model possibly much more. young of him who makes all men turn as he passes by as well as improving his image in the eyes of others and therefore in front of himself.
The ideal partner for a narcissist is an undemanding partner from an emotional point of view, because he is a partner willing to sacrifice his needs in favor of those of the Narcissus and therefore able to offer continuous confirmations, making him feel admired, desired and special. But even if the Narcissus finds a partner or a partner with all the right requirements and gets to the point of marrying him, the relationship remains superficial even after many years of life as a couple, moreover the Narcissus will remain in love only as long as the relationship remains exciting and able to satisfy the needs of narcissistic confirmation ‘
The relationship with the borderline, on the other hand, is rather a tormented and stormy relationship. Being with a person with this disorder means going from hatred to love without many middle ground and in an unmotivated and sudden way. Borderlines have an innate difficulty in regulating emotions that causes them to experience very intense emotions, which they cannot control. When they love, they love madly, when they get angry their fury is destructive, when they want you, their desire is all-consuming. The narcissist, on the other hand, is not in touch with his emotional world, emotions frighten him, which is why he tends to control them.
Narcissists feel empty, cannot feel emotions, and are easily bored as a couple once the enthusiasm of the early days is overcome.
Now, if we focus on the experiences of the respective partners, The narcissist detaches from the borderline, we realize that it is a very different experience. The borderline partner will feel very loved at some times and intensely hated at others.
The partner of the narcissist, on the other hand, will always feel insecure about the affection and devotion of the beloved, feeling that he must always be at his best in order to maintain his interest. Many daffodils voluntarily keep their mate on the rope, giving him little confirmation of their affection. This is a relational strategy to have power over the relationship. The Narcissus who has avoidant attachment because he has a negative view of relationships, fears that if the partner knew how important it is to him or her they would use this awareness to control, dominate and exploit him. Then there is another very important difference between borderline narcissus, the borderline has a symbiotic relationship while the narcissus is an independent type. Being with a borderline means experiencing an exhausting back and forth in which honeymoon moments alternate with sudden and unmotivated breakups that are bound to increase as the relationship progresses.
At the beginning the borderline tends to establish a symbiotic relationship, idyll and love with the partner, which excludes the rest of the world but the symbiosis is short-lived, usually lasts a few weeks and the borderline, in love until the day before, from point to point white can interrupt the date by telling his partner that he is no longer in love and that he has never loved him, only to retrace his steps after some time with a renewed feeling.
But even this parenthesis will not last and will be followed by other detachments that over time will become longer and longer until the relationship is completely worn down while the borderline feels the need to enter and exit the relationship and therefore to build, to destroy everything and then return to build, the Narcissus who has a more structured and more consistent personality than the couple has a different modality, even if both find it difficult to sustain a prolonged intimacy and often sex becomes the only form of intimacy that the daffodils can access, the narcissist is not symbiotic indeed, with him there will hardly be a us and is rather centered on himself and on his commitments, his interests, he behaves like a single person without taking into account the wishes and needs of his partner who he sees rather as whims or attempts to change it.
When the narcissist is taken up with his plans, he will forget about the partner, demanding however, understanding and unconditional availability. Moral of the matter, the borderline and the narcissist are too hurt and hurt to be able to truly love. They love only to the extent that the other can satisfy their needs and make them feel good about themselves.